You saw nothing in Hiroshima. Nothing.
Cancer, and death. Cancer, unfairness, death, solitude, pain, and war
inside a body that was not designed to fight this threat. I saw nothing,
and yet, felt how every day the deadly potency of the illness in his
body consumed it. Like the Hiroshima bomb, this cancer was dropped in
his heart and destroyed it completely to the core.
I saw the patience, the innocence, the apparent meekness
with which the temporary survivors of Hiroshima adapted to a fate so
injust that the imagination, usually so fertile, is silent before it.
After they informed of his deadly cancer, and later the methastasis in
his eyes, I tried hard to be strong while watching him dying slowly. No,
it was not a death like in Hiroshima, where the city was suddenly
lifted and then burned to its roots, but to me the effect was as
impressive and anihilating. It was killing me too, eating all the flesh
and bone slowly, and removing the spirit. He was always smiling, though,
he was always happy and energetic, and I tried to keep up with his
pace, as usual. "Everything will be alright", he told me repeatedly.
Deep inside I knew it wouldn't... not then, not ever again...
Like you, I am endowed with memory. I know what it is to forget.
Like you, I too have struggled with all my might, not to forget. Like you, I forgot.
Like you, I longed for a memory beyond consolation, a memory of shadows and stone.
For my part I struggled everyday with all my might against
the horror of no longer understanding the reason to remember. Why deny
the obvious necessity of remembering?
And yet the pain of your skin missing on mine, your voice that I cannot
hear anymore, the memories fading slowly about your laughter, the
feeling of your fingers on my back, your scent on the shirts hurts so
much sometimes I wish I could forget... but no, I promised you I would
never forget, and I never will.
I meet you. I remember you. Who are you? You're destroying
me. You're good for me. How could I know this city was tailor made for
love? How could I know you fit me like a glove? I like you. How
unlikely. How low all of a sudden. How sweet. You cannot know.
I don't scream anymore. I've become reasonable. They say "she's become reasonable".
Of course, as everyone says, life goes on. I must get up every morning,
and be as well as possible, fulfill my job responsibilities, and then
go back home, to spend a nice evening there, trying to enjoy the
sensations. The problem is now everything is numb. Not completely, but
it is not how it used to anymore. Now it is numb and scarred, and that
is how I found the strength to continue without you, knowing your skin
is forever unreachable.
I yearn for you so badly. I can't bear it anymore.
It hurts deep inside missing you... needing you by my side. Listening
to our songs, and crying, knowing all is lost, and forever. I can see
hope, and light at the end of the tunnel. I have found love, and
honesty, and friendship, and I am grateful, but still it is unbearable
to miss you like I do now, and always will.
And then one day, my love, your eternity comes to an end. My life that goes on, your death that goes on.
I stayed by his body all that day, and all the following
night. He grew cold beneath me, little by little. He took so long to
die! I was lying on top of him. The moment of his death actually escaped
me, because at that moment, and even afterwards, I couldn't find the
slightest difference between his dead body and my own. His body and mine
seemed to me to be one and the same.
We were in a hotel, our favourite hotel, where we had spent the night
after a great dinner. We woke up early, as always. I am not a morning
person, but feeling he was drifting away from my hands like water, I
wanted to take any chance everyday to stare deep into his eyes and know
he was real, that he was with me still, holding, kissing, calling my
name swiftly. We called and ordered breakfast, and had it while holding
hands, drinking our glasses with champagne while giggling and getting
naked, and excited.
Soon I was over him, like so many other times, and kissed him deeply.
"When I first saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew".
My exquisite lover, reciting Shakespeare while making love, while
sweating, staring deep into my eyes. I could feel both our bodies
trembling, shaking, with pleasure, and suddenly he felt it, his heart
finally failing on him. He grabbed me close, and kissed me, while tears
filled his beautiful blue eyes. "Promise me you will be happy". I
couldn't respond, as I felt life left him slowly, and consciousness of
this world and its problems were not in his mind anymore.
I held on to him for a while, trying to hear another heartbeat on his chest, another slow breath from his mouth. Nothing.
Devour me, deform me to your likeness, so that no one after
you will ever again understand the reason for so much desire. We'll be
alone, my love. Night will never end.
The complicity and secrets we share, my love, will always be only ours, and they went away with you forever...
Time will pass. Only time. And a time will come when we can
no longer name what it is that binds us. Its name will gradually be
erased from our memory until it vanishes completely.
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